Saying No: How to Set Boundaries and Improve Your Life

Hi there! Just a note for you that this post is also on my art therapy blog, Juniper Art Therapy. If you’re interested in mental health, living true to yourself, and becoming a better version of who you already are, check it out!

The power of saying no

If you’re anything like me, you’ve spent a good chunk of your life saying yes to other people: helping them move. Agreeing to meetings that could have been emails. Watering their plants every day for a month while they’re on vacation.

But, if you’re reading this, this practice is likely starting to burn you out; you’re getting tired of always putting other people first. And you may not know it completely, but you’re looking to set boundaries between your time and others’ in some tangible way.

This is where saying no comes in. Below you’ll find six benefits of setting boundaries using the word “no.” My hope is to give you a little glimpse into what life could be like if you adopt this practice.

A little note for you before we begin: while there are a host of benefits related to helping others, including reduced stress and increased happiness, this blog post isn’t about that. What we want to focus on here is why saying no more often is good for you, and how it’ll help you grow.

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A caveat

Before we begin, it’s important to note that, while you should consider your own wants and needs, this doesn’t mean always saying no to others!

Sometimes we do say yes to support someone else, especially if it’s with something pressing. And sometimes we say yes simply because we like the person, or know we’d enjoy what they’re asking us.

But it’s up to you to decide what you set boundaries for, what you say yes to and what you say no to—don’t let others make that decision for you. And remember to monitor your time: if you don’t have time to help someone with something, it’s okay to say no.

Saying no makes space for new opportunities

Saying no opens up pathways for new opportunities to arise in your life.

When you say no to something—especially something that’s someone else’s priority—you’re making room for and saying yes to things you want or need to do. Think about it: if you spend your day doing tasks for others, where does that leave you time to complete what you need to do for yourself?

I recently took a good, hard look at how I was spending my time, and realized that there were certain things I had in my life that I didn’t need to keep doing—my work benefited the other person more than it benefited me.

Now that I’ve set boundaries in this area, I have an extra seven or eight hours a week to put toward whatever I want, be it finding new work or simply resting.

Saying no makes time for what you really want to do

This point hinges on the above in that, by freeing up space in your schedule, you create time for what you really want to be doing.

Let’s say for example that, like me, you’ve said no to something and now have a good chunk of extra hours free during the week. You can do whatever you want with those hours: find a part time job to save up for a trip. Work on a personal project you keep putting on the back burner. Commit to reading another book per week or taking a cooking class.

You could even use that time saying yes to and helping others with their tasks—possibly to a lesser extent, but definitely in a more mindful manner. Or you could use it to be more spontaneous: don’t schedule anything in that time—see what arises and go with it.

The point is, it’s your time, and you can fill it with whatever you’d like.

Saying no moves you away from people pleasing

This is one of those tricky things that many of us seem to struggle with, and we make excuses for not saying no to others: we don’t want to hurt their feelings, or we don’t mind doing the work, or we’re afraid of the consequences if we say no.

Really, what we’re doing when we always say yes to others is say no to ourselves; we learn that we come second (or last). We learn that our needs and wants aren’t as important as those of others.

But by learning to say no (both to ourselves and others), we start to build a sense of self worth, with the added benefit of gaining a sense of empowerment. We can learn that it’s okay to say no—nothing bad will happen.

I’ve struggled with this a lot in the past: shouldering someone else’s wants and needs in favor of my own because I was afraid to upset them. But what I’ve learned is that the people who you want to stick around will; they’ll understand that when you say no to every little thing, you’re starting to say yes to yourself.

A note: sometimes, people become upset when we set boundaries. That’s okay. Remember to stick with it—you’ve set this boundary in place for a reason.

Saying no leaves no room for uncertainty

Another thing many of us seem to struggle with is saying no outright. We say “maybe,” or “I’ll see,” or “let me think about it,” when really what we want to say is plain old “no.”

This could be for any number of reasons: we’re afraid of coming off as rude or unempathetic, or that it’ll seem we don’t care about the other person or their feelings. There’s also the point that, from a young age, girls are socialized to be nice—something that can cause problems later on. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with being nice! But being direct is always the best option.

A little practice exercise for you: next time you’re asked to do something you don’t want to do, say what you really mean. This way, the conversation ends right there: no more back and forth, or trying to come up with excuses, or ending up doing something you don’t have time for or don’t want to engage in.

Remember: No, thank you is a perfectly acceptable response!

Saying no gives you much needed rest

This is one I’m still working on: saying yes to too many things, overcommitting myself to the point of burning out.

You don’t want to get to this point, though I’m sure if you’re reading this blog post, you know what it feels like: you find yourself at the end of the day feeling frazzled and tired, and every day blends together in a way. You don’t feel like your time is your own.

Saying no more often can help with this. Like I mentioned earlier, saying no frees up space in your day. If you’re at the point where you feel you can’t take any more on, saying no and then leaving that space open will allow you to do things that truly restore you, be that making art, or meditating, or just staring at the wall (seriously, so important sometimes!).

Saying no helps you learn who you are

Through all of the above, something will inevitably happen: you’ll learn more about who you are as a person. When you say yes to others’ priorities all the time, you’re in their life—their wants and needs, their day-to-day living.

When you say no, you start to move back into your own life: you spend more time with yourself. You learn what you like and don’t like. You start hobbies, and work toward your goals, and get to sit with yourself, just yourself.

Through this, you start to take back the parts of yourself you’ve lost by spending so much time in other people’s lives. You learn who you are—or who you’re becoming.

One final note

While it’s great to help others (and can help strengthen relationships, be a source of fun, and just make you feel good), remember that you can’t pour from an empty cup. You need to attend to your own needs first before you can truly support another person.

Plus, there’s only so much time in the day, and I’m a firm believer that you should fill that time with things that move you toward your goals, be those with work, school, or your personal life. Yes, help others, but make sure you’re not always putting yourself last.

Try this: say no without explaining yourself

You’re not getting away from this blog post without getting homework! Your task for this week is to say no to someone or something at least once. This may be a work task that falls under someone else’s jurisdiction, or a party you’re invited to, or a hangout you’re not totally jazzed about.

Once again, remember: No, thank you, is a perfectly acceptable response. Good luck!

xoxo

Catherine

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Thank you for reading! There’s no new printable this week, but you can see all the printables I’ve made previously in my shop, Toad in the Attic.