Just a little note before we get into the blog post today: this is not the post I planned on writing, but it is the one I needed to write. It’s a lot more personal than my past posts, which I’m both excited and nervous about. But I hope you find some value in what I have to say here today.
In praise of putting yourself first
I’ve always been rather rigid.
When I was younger, I thought myself to be carefree and open, a go with the flow type of person. I prided myself in being flexible, though what I didn’t know at the time was that I wasn’t even close: I was just putting other people’s wants and needs before my own and calling it so.
To me, flexibility meant saying yes when I really wanted to say no. In other words, I was being flexible for others—overly so—and not with myself. When it came to me, I was exceedingly rigid, like create spreadsheets to make sure I stayed on track no matter what rigid.
(Side note: I have nothing against spreadsheets. In fact, I love spreadsheets. I just wasn’t using them in a way that was supportive for myself.)
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It wasn’t until recently that I realized just how much this was affecting me. All my time was going to other people: what they wanted, what they needed. I never spent any time listening to my own wants and needs, to the point where it’s taken me a long time to figure out who I am, and even what I enjoy doing. (But more on this later.)
I never wanted to be this way, and it’s not intentional, but it is what’s true—for any number of reasons I don’t feel like exploring here right now. But because of this, I have a history of over planning and rigid scheduling to the point where I’m burnt out. The overplanning comes from putting other people first; the rigid scheduling comes from a desperate grasp at having some sort of control over my life.
Because of this burnout, it’s not uncommon for me to have to withdraw, to cancel plans and go inward until I’m feeling better. Often, during these times, I don’t have the energy to do things I want to do—it’s just recovery time.
It’s not always a smooth road forward, and this isn’t the first time I’ve acknowledged that I’ve largely lived a life dictated by what others want for and from me. But this last acknowledgment, the one that’s sent me into a tailwind of discovery and unearthing parts of myself, feels different somehow. It’s like any blinders that were up before have, this time, been torn away.
And while I’m starting to see clearly what’s me and what’s not—these desires, and dreams, and ideas—it’s still hard. I have to think consciously, to query everything: is this me? What about this? And this? A lot of the time, it feels like a game of 20 questions, narrowing down and whittling away the excess until a clear answer is before me.
But it is becoming clearer. When I think of what I want to do in life—from how I spend my time, to where I work, to who I see—there’s now something in me that signals when something is for me and something isn’t. The closest word I can find for this is intuition—something I haven’t had access to in the past that’s now blooming in me like the bluebells outside my window.
With this clarity comes change.
Just a month or so ago, I made the decision not to plan one-on-one hangouts with anyone for an indefinite period of time. This isn’t because I don’t love my friends—it’s because I personally love to be alone, and it had started to feel like I was giving all my spare time to other people. Some people may feel differently, but I know that being alone is what recharges me—I need a lot of time to decompress in order to function as a human being.
And when all my free time goes to others, I don’t have any time to work on what I love. I know from experience that this is what sucks the life out of me the most: not having the time or space to write, or read, or just exist for a little while.
Just last Sunday, I had my first day in a long time with no plans. No places to go, no projects to finish—nothing. The day felt so long, but in a good way. It was like three days in one. Needless to say I spent most of it reading and writing—the two things I would do all day, every day, if I could.
This past year or so has been a slow process of untangling who I am and what I want with other people’s expectations of me—and other people’s dreams. These past few months especially have been monumental, if not a little chaotic. I’ve ricocheted from one future to the next, often within the span of a few days or weeks.
But I know who I am and what I want now, with as much clarity as I’ve ever known in my life. I know that I love writing, reading, and books more than anything else in the world; I know that I want to send the novel I’ve just written to agents—I know that there are six more books in the series I need to write, too.
And I know that, no matter what happens, I will always come back to writing, in any form. I will always write blog posts, and newsletters, and poems; I will always write stories. This is something I lost years ago when I went into a profession I hated—I felt this love, and the time for it, sliding away from me.
Now that I’m taking back my time, I feel so much more like myself. I feel like the person I was six years ago, before I pushed myself further and further away in the name of making others happy. I now know that I don’t need to do what others want of me. Heck, I don’t even have to listen to what they have to say if I don’t want to.
What I do need to do is listen to myself. I need to listen to what makes my heart sing and what doesn’t, and then run toward what does. That’s what I’m doing now: running toward joy and excitement.
Running back to myself.
xoxo,
Catherine
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Thank you for reading! If you’d like to learn more about witchcraft, herbalism, and living an intentional life—while getting a glimpse into my own witchy, intentional practice—consider signing up for my patreon. I post a lot of behind the scenes content you won’t find anywhere else, as well as handy herb profile printables, spell sheets, book recommendations, and excerpts of my upcoming novel, Bramble Manor.
Some more posts you may like:
The Power of Saying No: Set Boundaries and Improve Your Life
How to Live Your Best Life and Move Toward the Best Version of Yourself
How to Live an Intentional Life
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