Hello dear readers,

I write to you from a different place this week: my ancient orange armchair, passed down to me through my mom’s side of the family. It’s actually near midnight on Saturday, with a too-late coffee keeping me up. This was partially on purpose, because I’m one of those people who stays up late just to get some time alone after busy, people-filled days.

I’ve been needing to go into hibernation mode for about a long time now, a process I’ve grown to know the signs of. For all of my adult life, I’ve gone through cycles of seeing lots of friends—parties, movie nights, thrifting dates—followed by a period of wanting to throw my phone in the sea and crawl into a cave. 

Let me be very clear: I love the people in my life with my whole being, and I think spending time with our community is one of the best things we can do for ourselves. But I am not the kind of person who feels energized by spending time with others—especially when that time is back to back to back.

If you’ve followed me online for a while now, it’s probably no secret that I’m the kind of person who needs a lot of time alone in order to function as a regular human. This is not said in an “I’m a writer and I’m a solitary creature” way, but in a “if I don’t lie on the floor in complete silence soon I’m going to scream” way. These past few weeks have been a good example of this—every day seems to be another plan set in place. 

The problem is, all the plans I say yes to are things I want to do, and I’m always thrilled to see my people. But I do get to a point where it feels like I’m dragging myself out of the house, and if I’m not careful and make an effort to slow down, my body decides for me whether I’ll be going or not¹. In fact, I know I’ve needed to slow down for some time, and I’ve just experienced an extended period of migraine attacks, which stop me whether I want to go out or not.

I’ve always been wired this way², and always will be. The trick is learning to actually honour this need for alone time before I reach a tipping point—see: “I’m going to scream”³—but it’s something I still struggle with immensely. I adore my friends and family, and I want to hear about their lives, share stories and laugh with them, but I also need periods of time where I don’t see or talk to anyone—and I mean anyone. I recognize that everyone needs periods of solitude; I’m still just coming to terms with the fact that I need more than most.

And so it’s still something I’m learning how to balance. I think part of it comes with not just being a perfectionist, but being a people-pleaser, too. I want everyone around me to be happy, and because of that, I still tend to put other people’s wants and needs before my own. Not in every way, but when it comes to socializing, I absolutely still do this; and, for my health, I need to figure out how to stop.

My remedy right now isn’t a long-term solution; in fact, it feels more like a last-ditch effort to save myself from running into the woods, never to return. This week, I’ll be reverting to this remedy: closing myself off to hang-outs and requests⁴. I don’t love doing this, but I also know I need to if I want to return to any sort of baseline⁵. Having continuous migraine attacks isn’t good for me, and I loathe that half my life is spent in pain because I’ve pushed myself too far.

I used to think I was selfish for taking time off from seeing friends and family, but I’m at the point now that I understand that it’s necessary. I can’t be a good friend, aunt, sister, or daughter if I’m constantly stuck in bed or resenting myself for going against what I need⁶—we can’t pour from an empty cup and all that. And so I’ll take next week to fill my cup, and maybe the week after that, too⁷. I’m not going to force a timeline on coming back to myself anymore.

This is not all I have to say on the subject, but it’s all that I have right now. So I hope you’re well, and that you’re rested and recharged. As well, I’d love to hear how you rest up after a period of stress or continuous social engagements (or if you need to recharge at all!).

—Catherine

footnotes

¹ Without fail, if I spend too much time socializing, I end up with flu-like symptoms on top of the mental fatigue, irritability, and all the other fun things that come from not giving my brain time to rest—including endless migraine attacks. It’s truly a wonder what our bodies do to make us slow down!

² I’ve never really talked about this on the blog, and I’m not sure I ever will. People online are so divided on these diagnoses in particular, and I’ve never wanted people’s perception of me to be determined by what I’ve been diagnosed with. And so while I have these diagnoses, I’m not defined by them. 

³ This is a dramatic and simplistic way of describing how I actually feel during this time; it’s actually much more complex than this. I’m still finding words to describe it, but everything feels sharp and prickly; I’m the worst version of myself.

⁴ When I was diagnosed, my doctor told me she has just one day a week that she makes plans with others; a therapist told me the same thing. I’m beginning to think I need to do the same—and stick with it. One day feels a bit extreme to start, though. I’m thinking two might do the trick.

⁵ Without getting specific, I’m not a nice person to be around when I’m not taking care of myself. Spending time alone means I get to rest and recharge, and become kinder, more patient, and more giving than I am when I’m at the end of my rope. I know we can all relate to this.

⁶ When I’ve been socializing too much, and I need time alone but force myself to stick to plans, I often resent myself for doing the thing anyway. This bleeds into resenting the other person, thinking “how can they not see that I need to be alone?” or “why are they okay with me coming to this hang-out when I’m clearly in pain from a migraine attack?” I understand though that it has nothing to do with them; it has to do with me, people-pleasing, and not setting stronger boundaries.

⁷ Time off doesn’t extend to writing, blogging, and all that. In fact, I find I recover more quickly from oversocializing when I spend time with my work. 

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