Hello dear readers,

I write to you from my kitchen desk, a hand-rolled beeswax candle burning nearby, along with my second cup of caffeinated¹ coffee in hopes that I can kick the migraine I woke up with. The migraines have, thankfully, been fewer and further between, but they’ve come back with force these past couple days.

And for once, I know the cause. Every so often, I go through phases of questioning what I’m doing with my life—and by questioning, I mean obsessing over to the point of losing sleep. I do know why I’m like this², but unfortunately it’s still something that rears its head every once in a while. 

This cycle has been what you may call a level five freak-out, to the point I’m googling how to become a naturopathic doctor, a psychiatrist, and an occupational therapist in the span of five minutes. Is this healthy? No. Do I actually want to spend the rest of my life doing these things? Also, likely, no³.

The way these cycles always end is with me deciding that I will be a teacher after all⁴, and will spend as much of my free time as I can on writing. Teaching in B.C. is flexible, pays well, provides excellent benefits, and has ideal working hours⁵. On paper, teaching is the perfect job for someone like me.

What’s not perfect is the little voice in my head telling me I’ll be terrible at it and that I’ll hate every minute. It doesn’t matter that I’ve already done it successfully, nor that I passed my teaching degree with flying colours. The little voice still worms its way in there, picking away at me until I’m some worn-out, deflated husk of a person (ie. like last night). 

The good thing is, a time always comes when I’ve cycled through all possibilities and I’m able to say: Catherine, you’re being ridiculous. None of the things that voice is telling you matter, and they’re not true to begin with! I’ve seen a number of people say “don’t listen to what your mind tells you after 9 p.m.” and boy, does that feel true.

This morning was still a bit rough, but now I’m able to stand back and laugh—I think that’s a sign that everything will work out. I’m able to look at how I was thinking and behaving from a distanced view, and all I can think is: well, that was weird and unnecessary. Moving on.

And I’m able to move on so quickly because of a tool I developed years ago, when I was struggling through a graduate degree. It’s simple, but it works, and that’s reminding myself that nothing matters as much as I think it does. I’ll use teaching as an example: do I feel like I flubbed the lesson? Doesn’t matter. Do I think that teacher dislikes me? Doesn’t matter. Did a staff meeting drag on way longer than I wanted it to? Doesn’t matter.

What does matter is that I put effort into what I’m doing, that I care, and that I don’t listen to the voice in my head telling me everything I do is wrong. Because it’s not! Besides, what we think and feel about ourselves and our performance isn’t always necessarily the truth. We are our own worst critics, etc. etc.

And on that note: what I’ve figured out is that only two things really matter when it comes to work (and life, too):

1. Am I doing what I’m doing to the best of my ability?
2. Am I enjoying what I’m doing?

As long as I answer yes to these two questions, then I’m doing just fine. 

To be honest, this was really just something I needed to get out for myself, though I truly hope you can take something away from it as well. For me, not taking myself so seriously and remembering that we’re tiny specs situated on a rock floating through space really helps change my perspective when I’m spiraling.

Anyway, I hope you’re well. Wishing you a good week!

—Catherine

FOOTNOTES

¹ I try not to consume too much caffeine, as we don’t get along too well. But when I have a migraine, caffeine is the first thing I turn to—it has proven to knock the pain out much better than anything else. So, drinking caffeinated anything is always a toss-up for me; some negative effects in favour of removing something that’s worse.

² I have a couple diagnoses under my belt that lend themselves to obsessive thinking and worrying, which is so fun! (It’s not.) I’m still learning how to work around and with them to exist in a comfortable way.

³ I mean, I can’t say for sure that I wouldn’t like them, but to be completely honest, I have no desire to do any more higher education. If I ever have to respond to two classmates’ discussion posts with my thoughts ever again, I may perish.

⁴ I went to school to become a teacher, I maintain my teaching certificate with the province, and I’m a teacher on call with the district. At this point, I just need to do the dang thing.

⁵ Evenings/weekends/holidays off, plus all summer and two two-week chunks of time in between. And, if you teach on call, you decide when you work. You could work for a month straight and then take a few weeks off, only work a couple days a week, etc. It’s really ideal!

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